When it comes to relationships there’s no one better to turn to than Dr. Tara—a renowned relationship expert, award-winning sexologist, and the vibrant personality behind Luvbites. Whether she’s helping couples navigate intimacy, guiding celebs through the rocky terrain of dating on Celebs Go Dating or breaking down myths around love and sexuality, Dr. Tara’s advice is always sharp, relatable, and refreshingly real. And we had the opportunity to ask her anything we wanted, and we didn’t hold back.
In the below interview, Dr Tara covers everything from dating app strategies and polyamory relationships to navigating parenthood as queer couples and the dreaded Lesbian Bed Death. She also opens up about combating bi-erasure and shares juicy behind-the-scenes moments from her time on Celebs Go Dating. Read on for all of her top tips.
1. So Tara, let’s start at the very beginning. People say opposites attract and there’s a lot of talk about “black cats” matching with “golden retrievers”. What’s your experience with this – do they last?
Opposites can be attracted to one another, but research found that long-lasting relationships are typically based on similarities. This doesn’t mean two people are exactly the same, but they share similar values, beliefs, interests, and ways of life. People with extremely different values and ways of life may find each other intriguing at first which drives attraction but it’s ultimately very difficult to maintain that kind of relationship.
2. What are your tips on intimacy and keeping the spark alive when the inevitable Lesbian Bed Death hits?
Expanding your definition of intimacy. Sometimes people think sex has to be something that involves genitalia and orgasm when in fact it could be anything that fuels your sexual fulfillment. You can keep the spark alive by doing couples’ sexual meditation, mutual masturbation, reaching erotica together, etc.
3. There is so much online dating now – how do you stand out on your profile and initial conversation?
Research found that people who have misspellings in their profiles are deemed unattractive so make sure that you spell-check your profile. In order to stand out, you must have great photos. The first photo should be a solo photo that shows your face clearly (no hat or sunglasses). Other photos should include photos of you engaging in your hobbies and interests, one with friends, one in your work element, and one with your family. The text in your profile should focus on positive things like things you’re interested in and not things you dislike/hate. In the initial conversation, start with a compliment and a question related to their photos or bio. Don’t ask “How are you?” or “How was your weekend?” These questions are very boring.
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4. There are fewer blocks for same-sex couples to have children, but what is the key to navigating this step change in a relationship? Specifically when discussing who carries and for the non-bio mums?
When discussing who carries and who will be the non-bio mum it’s important to use empathetic and logical communication. Empathy: exploring each other’s feelings about the situation and discussing them in a calm way. Logic: considering important aspects such as genetic fitness, holistic health, and work schedules when it comes to deciding who carries is vital. On top of that, there are other topics to come to an agreement such as sperm donors, parenting roles, and finances. The key to navigating this step is to always consider the other person’s feelings.
5. On that same note, once you have children, what tips can you give new parents on how to have a healthy relationship and be great parents?
Focus on your relationship well-being and self-growth. You can’t be a great parent without taking care of yourself and your relationship. You might have heard the saying “You can’t pour from an empty cup” so you need to fill your cup first before you can help others. Engage in relationship check-ins monthly – ask your partner how they’re feeling and if there’s anything else you can do for them and vice versa. Schedule sexy time – finding time for sexual connection could be hard so scheduling it together can show care and commitment. Open communication – this is key for you and your spouse as well as with your children.
6. What is your stance on resolving conflict with unstable people – can you help them and should you stay?
It’s very important to diffuse the emotions when it’s running high, especially with unstable people. Agreeing and being affectionate can help diffuse the fire in the moment. Afterwards, I’d recommend seeing a couple’s therapist to work on effectively and safely managing conflicts. If they refuse to change and grow, it’s time to leave that relationship.
7. Is polyamory possible for married couples, what are your tips there?
Yes! I know many married couples that have other partners as a part of their polyamorous relationship.
My top three tips are:
1) Educate yourselves – there’s so much misinformation about poly relationships online, try reading up books from credible sources such as Polysecure, More Than Two, and The Polyamory Workbook.
2) Create a green, yellow, and red light list together – what are some things that you can always do because you both feel totally okay about (green), and what are some things that you should check in with each other first (yellow), and what are some things that are an absolute no (red)?
3) Maintaining a growth mindset – being open to feedback, learning, and growing is key to successful polyamory. There will be challenges, emotional moments, and hard conversations, as long as you remain open and non-judgmental you can move through anything together.
8. You identify as Bisexual, have you experienced any prejudice when dating, and how can we work to prevent bi-erasure?
I have experienced prejudice because a lot of people think bisexuality is not real or that I’m “faking it” since my current partner is a man. I have to clearly explain to people that my sexual orientation explains who I’m sexually attracted to and I am sexually attracted to men and women, despite being married to a man. We can work to prevent bi-erasure by giving more platforms to bisexual people so others can see it being represented more. Normalization comes with exposure so when people are more exposed to bisexuality, it can become more normalized.
9. Talk to us about your time on Celebs Go Dating, what was your highlight on working with the celebs on the show and why should people tune in?
Celebs Go Dating is the perfect reality TV show because it shows you the humanizing factors of the celebs when they’re in the consultation room, being vulnerable, and sharing their thoughts and feelings, and there’s also the fun and sexy side of the show when they go on dates. The highlights during my experience were hanging out with my wonderful co-hosts Anna, Paul, and Tom, the first mixer I got to observe and be a part of and that’s when I told off Mark Francis for acting like he’s better than everyone else (haha), and the last series when I got to do the sexual compatibility test for Helen and Robbie and revealing to them that Robbie is a kinky guy!
Thank you for chatting with us Dr Tara!
You can explore more of Dr Tara‘s insights further on her website: luvbites.co or follow her on social media platforms – @luvbites.co. Plus, she has a radio show on the horizon and a book in the works, set to release next year—so stay tuned!
Team Nonchalant x
This article was written by one of our creative team writers here at Nonchalant Magazine.
