As we continue through Pride Month, we wanted to share some more coming out stories with you. Following in the same vein as Am I a Lesbian? Coming Out Stories, we caught up with more of the Nonchalant team and contributors to find out about their ‘coming out’ experiences in Part 2 of Am I a Lesbian.
1. First girl on girl experience with my boss
“My first girl on girl experience actually happened after my first official date with a girl… (aged 18) that girl also happened to be my boss.
My first gay experience was actually a year or so earlier where I had kissed an old friend that I had got close to and that (I knew was gay and was intrigued…) it freaked me out, and lost my head a bit for a while.
Back to the coming out…After getting close to my boss at my summer job who was in her early 20s, she invited me out on a date… played down by drinks/food at the pub.
She picked me up in her convertible car and off we went…When I returned home, we sat outside my mum’s house chatting away in the car, you know the kind of chats when minutes turn to hours and you don’t want to leave… it was exciting.
Anyways, unbeknownst to me, my mum had clocked this and wondered who I was with… none of my school friends had a convertible car… we had just left the 6th form and all drove around in Saxo’s.
We had a quick nervous kiss goodbye and I went inside probably smiling like a Cheshire Cat. When I got inside, my mum’s bf at the time said… ‘Your mum’s upstairs and she wants to talk to you…’ I asked what about and he just said, ‘Go and speak to her…’ so, up I went, to find her sat on the bed looking quite concerned. She asked who I had been out with and I said just a friend, someone from work… this went around and around for a while.
Whilst she asked who this friend was and how I knew them.. it got to the point where she was bored of my avoidance answers that she blurted out, ‘was it a date?’ I started getting emotional and said yes it was, but I wasn’t sure what it was, or how I was feeling and that it was the first time we had even been out, so it felt a bit weird for me to say that maybe I am gay, when I don’t know yet. I think I might have even said I was Bi to soften the blow.
Silly! And that was that.
Mum was emotional, I was emotional and I can’t really remember what was said, we have different accounts of the story but she did hug me.
Things got a bit weird as we navigated through the next few weeks and we argued and clashed. I was still seeing the girl without my mums’ knowledge. And then my mum went on holiday for 3 weeks. When she returned, the girl and I were now in a relationship and the strangeness between my mum and I continued until I went off to uni in the autumn.
I am now 31 and my mum is very much accepting of who I am. She’s a total legend in fact and loves my partner but she can’t deny things were a bit rocky for a while whilst we both navigated through our feelings after that sort of ‘coming out’ chat.
I didn’t have the chance to tell my dad, my brother blurted it out during the summer and when I went round to see him, my dad simply asked ‘so, who’s this girl you’re seeing then?’ I was so speechless. I just showed him a photo and he said…’ she’s pretty, are you happy?’ And I said yeah and that was it. (Still convinced he knew something was going on with the childhood friend a couple of years before but never said…) So all in all, my story is a lucky one. My Parents were mostly cool.”
– Titch, 31
2. A constant battle
“I think I was about 14 when I started fantasizing about women: mainly Rihanna and Katy Perry. It wasn’t I kissed a girl that led me to Katy, it was her song Birthday. I used to dream about being at her concert on my birthday and getting dragged on stage for a lap dance to that track.
I thought about boys a lot too, and my interest in boys was more grounded in the real world. I fancied a lot of boys at school and had a couple of boyfriends, the foundations for which were built on MSN.
There was always a constant battle in my mind though. I might like women sexually but it’s a man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can’t be a lesbian because I don’t want to be a lesbian.
I remember at 15 a good friend and I wrote a list of 25 things we wanted to achieve in our lives. We both put ‘have a fling with a girl’ on our lists. I think I thought it was something I could experience and then move on from and live a ‘straight life’.
When I went to uni I fell in love with the guy in the dorm next to me and lost my virginity to him. He was on ‘study abroad’ and moved back to America after six months. We spent the next three years kind of together but not really.
I officially ended things when living in Spain on my year abroad and fell head over heels in love with a girl I was living with (I didn’t realise the living together thing was a theme until now)! She was, of course, straight and I never told her how I felt until a couple of years later, so it was a torturous time.
It was after that experience that I started to talk to friends and family about my sexuality. My friends were 100% supportive, more inquisitive than anything else. My Mam was accepting but she did talk a bit about ‘phases’ and ‘what people do in metropolitan cities’.
I sat with my woman-loving-self for a while but ultimately went back to dating men and got into a two-year relationship with one. I was happy for a while in the relationship, but it all changed when I joined a football team and ended up falling for one of my teammates.
I left my boyfriend not because my teammate wanted to be with me (she didn’t) but because I knew I shouldn’t be in the relationship if I had such strong feelings for someone else.
Following the heartbreak of being rejected by my teammate I eventually ended up in my first gay relationship where something sparked in me. When it got serious I knew that was the time to ‘officially come out’. My Dad was the person I was most worried about telling, but his reaction was all I could have wished for: ‘you’re my daughter and I love you no matter what’. And he’s stayed true to his word.
Since then I’ve only been with women – though I have done a bit of Tinder talking with men here and there.
There are a lot of people that look at my life over the past few years and label me as a lesbian, but for me it’s not that simple. I’m at a point where I think I could date any gender and be happy. I don’t want to sound cliché but ultimately it comes down to the person.
That’s if I was single… I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost two years now, and I definitely think this is the person – the one that’s going to last me a lifetime. “
– Anon, 26
If you have enjoyed this instalment check out the other instalments in this series.
Love Team Nonchalant xx