It may not come as a surprise to you that there’s an orgasm gap between women who identify as lesbian versus straight. A study found that 86% of lesbian women “usually or always” climax during sex (yay for us!) compared with just 65% of straight women.
Dr. Laurie Mintz, who coined the term orgasm gap, found that 78% of women’s orgasm problems are caused by not enough or not the right kind of clitoral stimulation. But we all know that the clit ain’t the only place to find an orgasm….
Why Can’t We Talk About Sex?
Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship and it plays an especially crucial role in creating a fulfilling sex life. But communication goes beyond just the mechanics of consent and what goes where. It’s about creating a safe space where partners can openly discuss their desires, needs, and boundaries.
Unfortunately, societal pressures often hold us back from having these conversations. Traditional sex education focuses heavily on protection over pleasure, leaving many women with a sense of shame or confusion about their sexuality. This can be particularly true for women in heterosexual relationships, where scripts and expectations (cemented by porn made for the male gaze) can overshadow honest communication.
As someone who has been having straight sex for most of my life, I recently came out as a lesbian and found the shift in open communication remarkable. I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to talk about sex when I was in a straight relationship – but that was very much down to the fact that I was repressing my queerness and was riddled with shame for everything related to physical intimacy. But I don’t think I’m alone in feeling that lesbian sexual encounters are more likely to feature an open conversation about pleasure.
Now, I openly discuss pleasure with the woman I’m seeing through “sex debriefs” – lighthearted conversations over text messages that deepen our understanding of each other’s needs. This sort of open communication seems less common in my circle of straight friends.
Why are Lesbians Having Better Sex?
There are a few reasons why lesbian relationships might foster more open communication around sex. Firstly, the queer community is built on our inherent drive to challenge sexual norms and celebrate diversity. This creates a more accepting space for open discussions about desire.
Secondly, having overcome the stigma around our sexual orientation, lesbian couples might be more attuned to creating safe spaces for each other, leading to better communication overall.
Experts like Sex Therapist Aliyah Moore emphasise the importance of creating a judgment-free zone for sexual communication. “Using empathetic listening and open dialogue,” Aliyah says, “I encourage clients to explore and express their desires without any judgement or comparison.” This supportive environment is key to building sexual confidence and ultimately, a more satisfying sex life.
Body Image and Sexual Satisfaction
While open communication and emotional connection are crucial, a positive body image can also play a significant role in sexual satisfaction for lesbian couples. Societal pressures and discrimination faced by queer folks, including lesbian and non-binary individuals, can lead to internalised homophobia and negative self-image. This can manifest as feelings of shame or insecurity surrounding our bodies, hindering our ability to fully embrace sexual pleasure.
Aliyah highlights the importance of body-positive techniques in improving sexual confidence. “I frequently add mindfulness-based activities into my therapy sessions to help clients develop a more compassionate and nonreactive relationship with their thoughts and emotions.”
Through exercises that explore pleasure and intimacy on an individual’s terms, lesbian couples can develop a deeper and more accepting relationship with their bodies. This self-love and acceptance can translate into a more relaxed and enjoyable sexual experience, ultimately contributing to a fulfilling sex life.
It’s Not All About Orgasms
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that orgasms aren’t the only measure of good sex, and while communication is essential, it thrives in a context that prioritises emotional connection and understanding each other’s love language.
Lesbian relationships often prioritise intimacy and emotional connection and studies suggest this focus can translate into increased sexual satisfaction. A 2019 review published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that lesbian women reported engaging in more behaviours linked to intimacy, such as spending quality time together and expressing affection, compared to heterosexual women. These deeper connections can lead to a more relaxed and enjoyable sexual experience for both partners.
Open communication, emotional connection, and a focus on shared pleasure are all crucial ingredients for a fulfilling sex life and can benefit all couples, regardless of sexual orientation. So, take a deep breath, spark a conversation, and create the sex life you deserve.
Do you think lesbians have better sex than straight women? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
Love,
Team Nonchalant x
Last Updated on 12th March 2024 by Nonchalant Magazine
Fiona is a two-time author and freelance writer with words published in the Metro, Grazia, Readers Digest and Happiful Magazine. She runs online writing groups, loves tarot, live music and poetry.
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