If you’re reading this article, you’re likely questioning your sexuality, and wanting to know how to be sure of whether you’re queer! That’s good, you’ve come to a safe place. Maybe you’re reading this article because you think you might have feelings for a friend or celebrity, or you’re interested in exploring the possibility. Either way, we’re here to help! Not calling ourselves relationship experts or qualified in any official way, we’ve researched a little, and included some lived experiences in this article (and maybe some of our advice is based on personal experiences…) to help to gather some hopefully beneficial advice and info!
So, maybe you have a friend you’re really close to of the same-sex and you’re feeling… well, feelings. Sound familiar? This is one way of discovering you’re bisexual. Feelings are complicated (duh) but they can be especially complicated when you’re not even sure if you’re open to feeling them. Take a step back, maybe have a look at all your platonic relationships up to this point and think about how this one compares.
Are you a woman having feelings of infatuation for your female friend, perhaps, that you don’t feel for others? Where this is a general way of discovering if you have a crush on someone or not, it’s also a way of pinpointing if you’re having those feelings for a same-sex friend, thus, if you might be bi.
Another method is have a look at your celebrity crushes. But this is another way of tapping in to that self-discovery. Allow yourself to look at the women on screens (or wherever it is that you find celebrities you fancy) in the same way you look at the men. Pay attention to how you feel! SOME people might have confirmed their queer identity during the most recent James Bond film, for example (Ana De Armas, duh). Who knows! Either way, checking your celeb crushes or how you’ve felt about celebs in the past is a good way of exploring that possible queer identity.
Sometimes, though, it’s not that simple. Maybe you’ve not met anyone you fancy, real or celeb, but you still think you could be bi. A question to ask yourself if you’re not sure about being attracted to women: could you see yourself with a woman? When you envision yourself with a partner who’s female, how does that make you feel? Sure, it might be a little different at first, you might default to male, but, thoughts aside, what are your feelings? Check it. If it’s a positive feeling, maybe you’re bi! (This might work the other way around, too, if you were unsure about attraction to men!)
Not to be too conceited, but we’re going to plug our own article quote here. “There’s not a test you can take to determine your sexuality.” (See the linked article: “Bisexual Awareness Week”, for more info on bisexuality and others’ lived experiences.) It’s true, though. That would be great, maybe, in that we wouldn’t have to go on a journey of self-discovery to find out our sexual identities, but we also wouldn’t get to. While this time, figuring out your identity, can be overwhelming, confusing and possibly even daunting – it’s a time to be reflective, open-minded and experimental.
Checking the difference between bisexuality and other queer identities, such as pansexuality, can be a whole other venture in itself. In one anecdote in this linked Cosmo article, someone says “I’m ambivalent about calling myself pansexual, since I really haven’t encountered a gender identity I can’t be attracted to. But many pan people describe themselves as feeling like gender is irrelevant to their experience of attraction, and that’s not true for me.” Identity is personal, and, from another pansexual (hi!), it can be said that gender is ‘irrelevant’, whereby a person who identities as bisexual, as in this case, may feel that that’s not them, and that gender and sex does play a role in attraction.
If at any stage you feel that you did want to come out, but you were maybe stuck between bisexuality and pansexuality, for example, umbrella terms like “gay” and “queer” can be very helpful! They allow you to come out or identity without putting that pressure on to know exactly how, just yet.
Seen or read Alice Oseman’s Heartstopper series? Us too. You might remember that scene where Nick is questioning his own sexuality and tapping into that bicuriosity through research. If you’ve taken one of the ‘Am I Gay?’ quizzes before stopping by here, and there’s a long trail of research behind you, too, it might be time to look within. While research can be helpful, it’s probable that at the point of taking multiple quizzes, you’ve had either more yesses than nos, or vice versa, and it might be time to take that research into consideration, particularly how it made you feel regarding your identity.
Sometimes we can put too much pressure on external sources, though, as Jen Winston says, quoted in this linked Cosmo article, “it’s honestly helpful to have one’s bi identity validated by an external source, even if that source happens to be nine questions about what pizza toppings you like.” It could be that you need to further explore your identity, or maybe you already know! But try not to get too lost in the research and forget to look within.
Queer pop culture – how do you feel about it? There tends to be a scene of artists, shows, music and beyond that are popular amongst us that might, for example, reference wlw relationships. When Beth McCarthy is singing in your headphones, not knowing “how to talk to girls”, how does that make you feel? Seen, perhaps? Either way, tapping into the pop culture scene can help to discover a little more about yourself.
Mostly, as is personal experience, seeing yourself mirrored back at you through either film, TV, music or otherwise can scratch the identity part of your brain in just the right place and make you think, “oh!”. Maybe it won’t work for you, but it’s another good form of research to take on when it comes to discovering your identity.
Something to note is that gender, sex and identity is a spectrum. There’s no correct way to be bi, nor does your experience have to measure up against your identity to prove anything, to yourself or anyone else. As the Trevor Project mentions in this linked article, “Some bisexual people feel romantic feelings towards one gender but physical attraction towards other”. It’s totally valid for your attraction to change and fluctuate and differ. This is a personal thing, and each person is different!
If you want to leave any ideas in the comments, feel free as always!
All our love, Team Nonchalant x
Last Updated on 24th March 2024 by Nonchalant Magazine
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