If you’ve been in a long-term lesbian relationship, you likely have felt some form of “Lesbian Bed Death”. What is that!?? We hear you cry, don’t worry we cover exactly what it is below, AND we also give you tips on how to prevent it from happening in your relationship.
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What is Lesbian Bed Death?
Lesbian Bed Death is a myth that has been around for some time. It is the belief that lesbian couples eventually lose interest in sex with each other. This myth is often used to perpetuate the stereotype that lesbians are not as interested in sex as men are. Pfffffft. What a load of bullsh*t.
There is no scientific evidence to support the myth of Lesbian Bed Death. In fact, studies have shown that lesbian couples are just as likely to have a healthy and satisfying sex life as any other couple. Thank the lesbian lord.
There are a number of reasons why the myth of Lesbian Bed Death may have persisted. One reason is that lesbians have often been marginalized and silenced. This has made it difficult for lesbians to speak out about their own experiences and to challenge the negative stereotypes that exist about them.
Another reason for the persistence of the myth of Lesbian Bed Death is that it is quite a nice term for us to use when we’ve been in a long-term relationship, and perhaps we need a collective search on Google and find out what to do. We are here to say, that’s also ok, and if you read on you’ll find some support on how to spruce up your sex life again with your long-term partner.
On the other hand, the term Lesbian Bed Death can be harmful to some lesbian couples. It can make them feel like there is something wrong with them if they do not have a perfect sex life. It can also lead to feelings of shame and guilt. Again, we are here to tell you that there is no such thing as a “perfect” sex life, and every couple is different. If you want to spice things up again in the bedroom, then great – we’re here to help.
How common is Lesbian Bed Death?
We asked our readers this exact question, and in short – it’s extremely common for long-term relationships to have sex life slow right down. At the start of a relationship, things are extremely new and exciting and you potentially find that you’re having sex multiple times a week, a day even. As the relationship starts to develop into a deeper trust and loving stage, you find that you move in together, and things start to slow down in the bedroom, perhaps it stops for months on end. Yet, you love each other, that’s clear, but why can’t you find the energy or want to have sex? It might even make you slightly unhappy, or worried. Fear not ladies, we have some epic tips below for both of you to consider.
How to Prevent Lesbian Bed Death
The below information is golden. It will save your sex life… but it’s not for the weak, so buckle up babeh. Although above we’ve described it as a myth, there are some long-term couples out there that do experience a decline in the bedroom department, and that is pretty normal in all couples. With lots of things getting in the way such as work stresses, social lives, cleaning, cooking, life admin, not to mention children – yikes. There are so many factors that make it hard to put time aside for each other. But we are here to help.
There are a number of things that lesbian couples can do to prevent Lesbian Bed Death from affecting their relationship. Read on for our top tips.
First and foremost. This is by far the most important skill for all relationships. Being able to communicate effectively with each other about your sexual needs and desires, or perhaps just raising the subject that you haven’t had sex in a while and is everything okay is a great start.
At the start of the relationship, in the honeymoon stages, you likely were talking dirty to each other ALL THE TIME. Sending nudes, sexting in the day, flirting, etc etc etc. And now you’re wondering where all of that has gone 4 years down the line? Perhaps now it makes you even a little bit uncomfortable. Communicating this can also help.
It is also important to be open and honest with each other about your feelings. Be open and honest with your partner about what you like and dislike in bed, but also how it makes you feel that you don’t have sex anymore – or what you might need to start the ball rolling again.
Here are some questions to ask each other:
- How does it make you feel that we don’t have sex often anymore?
- Has it been on your mind that we don’t have sex anymore?
- Is it something that you miss and perhaps something we can work on together?
- Shall we set some time aside to talk about it properly and see if we can come up with a plan together to tackle it?
- Is there something I can do to support you in this area?
- What do you think are the main blockers to our sex life?
Why not start by sending them this article…
It is important to make time for sex. Even if it is just for a few minutes each day to sit and listen to each other and really listen. Making time for intimacy can help to keep the spark alive in a relationship. Make sex a priority. Schedule time for sex in your week, just like you would schedule any other important appointment. You may laugh at this tip, but you’ll likely find that it will allow you both to have brain space to even consider getting in the mood, and bang … things start happening.
A step you can take right now before you read any more of this article is:
Open up your calendar or FamCal or whatever you use, set aside an evening, invite your partner to said evening, and set up a surprise date for you both.
If you’re just a bit bored, then why not have a chat about what might make it a bit more interesting?
It is important to be creative and to experiment in the bedroom. There are many different ways to have sex, and it is important to find out what works best for you both, and perhaps it’s actually changed since you first started dating 100 years ago, lols. People change over time, and that’s okay, in fact, it’s kinda great because maybe you can explore these changes together.
Don’t be afraid to break out of your comfort zone and try new things in the bedroom. From different sex positions for lesbians to trying out a new sex toy. Perhaps that’s all you need to reignite the flame.
Related article: Best sex toys for lesbians
You may have been together for 10 years, but why not treat each other like you’ve been together for 5 minutes? Ask yourself, what did you do at the start of your relationship that you’re not doing now for each other? Generally, the first thing that comes to mind is the amount of dates you took each other on, and how much-undivided attention you gave each other at the beginning. We suggest you try to match that energy now. Set aside a date night once a week, and take it in turns to plan something for the other person.
Something to get this off the ground is running through the alphabet for date nights. So one of you starts on A and things of a date that starts with A, then the other person gets B, and so on and so forth.
Ditch the Screens
Do you find yourselves arguing about the amount of time you’re on your phones? Or perhaps you both don’t really care but you’re in bed together at night and you’re separately in a TikTok doom scroll for 30 minutes before bed.
We are here to tell you that that sh*t is not sexy! Would you do that with someone you’d just met? No, you definitely would not, so don’t do it to your wife.
Similarly, do you find yourself watching too much TV in the evenings? Now we all need to chill after work, but perhaps once a week you could enjoy dinner without a TV, sit opposite each other and have an actual conversation that doesn’t revolve around your life admin.
What we’re trying to say is, purposely ditch the phones and TV time, try to get into a habit of leaving your phone in the kitchen before bed, or have time away from the TV as a couple.
It all starts with a kiss
Perhaps you’ve got yourselves in such a rut, that actually thinking of having full-on sex is a bit intimidating. Well, that’s ok, because you can always take baby steps. Just start off with general intimacy such as kissing, holding hands, massages, etc. This should open the gate to being more intimate with each other in general.
Related article: Lesbian Kissing Tips
Start with yourself
Ask yourselves individually, is this a me problem, or an us problem? What we mean by that is, perhaps the issue lies within how you’re feeling about yourself and maybe there is something you can do as an individual to help you feel a bit more open to sex, or sexy. After talking to some of our readers who have experienced this issue, we found that a lot of them actually felt like they had let themselves go or had insecurities which in turn didn’t make them feel that desirable. Interestingly their partners did not have this same thought about their partners and still found them attractive. So perhaps start by thinking about how you can start to feel better about yourself.
For this, we highly recommend the steps from the Morning Miracle – journalling, visualisation, affirmations, reading, meditation and exercise.
If you’ve both carried out the tips above but you’re still really struggling to keep things exciting in the bedroom, talk to a sex therapist or counsellor. There’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when involving a therapist to help you with this situation. In fact, it’s possibly the smartest thing you could do and will get you the fastest results. Most of the time your sex life and lack thereof is actually to do with some underlying issue in the relationship, whether that’s resentment, communication breakdown, or just lack of time. The therapist will get to the bottom of it and have epic tips too.
Remember, the myth of Lesbian Bed Death is just that: a myth. There is no reason why lesbian couples cannot have a healthy and satisfying sex life for a lifetime. However, if you find the saying comforting and helpful to name whatever it is you’re going through then great. The tips above should help you at least start the convo with your partner.
Godspeed in the bedroom,
Team Nonchalant x
Last Updated on 21st November 2023 by Nonchalant Magazine